~MusiclLucy

What is it that attracts people to us who have characteristic traits that we don’t like? I have been in a few relationships and have noticed that the traits I most hated were present in the guys that were attracted to me. The one major problem was that all the guys I was with only wanted sex from me. I was raised to wait until marriage and my reason for doing so is to build a strong emotional bond first. I was hoping to find a guy who shared those same values and I did. However, he had other qualities that I really do not like in a person such as no empathy or respect for people’s feelings. I feel that the only way to change this seemly endless pattern is to figure out why it is happening.

One thought on this matter is that we attract certain people because we have learned to expect certain people’s behaviours towards us. For instance, if we have had abusive parents then we may have learned to expect abusive behaviour from the people around us. This is because that is all that we know to be true.

In childhood the parent is crucial to how the child will grow up. In a sense they decide how we will turn out with something as simple as how much they give us affection. For instance too little touch from a parent (usually the mother) may result in discomfort with touch as well as some emotional problems, where as if a child is over touched then it may result in over dependency (Psychology textbook pg. 496-501). My parents were not around much as my mom was in school full time plus working and my dad was…well he had his own issues. My parents also refused to let people touch and hold me a lot because it would cause over dependency and they wanted to raise me to be very independent. So because of this, it caused problems in my relationships with people as I always seem to attract people who like a lot of affection. Perhaps I am distant mostly to males because in my experience affection sent the wrong message to males I was interested in, something that I really did not want. By learning from experience I just became more closed off so that there would be no doubt of any wrong messages.

Affection was considered a survival tactic with our ancestors. Perhaps because of this it is somehow in our nature to be affectionate because it brings comfort to us. We need it to feel safe, and also to feel love from someone (Social Psychology textbook, 398-399). I still have this need for affection from males, even though I have had bad experiences. I believe that it is because I did not really have alot from my father and therefore crave the experience, but only in a healthy, safe and comfortable way.

I now believe that the people that we attract come from what we know and what we feel comfortable with or the familiar. This is why we attract certain people to us, even though we are desperately trying to get away from those certain actions and characteristic traits that we dislike so much. The only way to change this seemingly endless cycle is to change how we think. We have to start thinking about what we should deserve not what we think we deserve based on experience.


Note: This is the shortest version I have through editing process, but this is the version I handed into my prof. I also Ended up Getting a high B on this paper, so thats not bad!